Ok – Roast chicken is the best first recipe I can think of for this page. EVERYONE should know how
to make it and if you can’t mum will be really mad….

Roast Chicken, Roast Potatoes, Green Beans, Baby Gems, Chicken Gravy

Step 1 – buy food. Don’t be cheap buy a free range chicken of course doofus. If you don’t it will be skinny and sad and have red marks on it and you should feel bad about being part of that whole sorry business. There is no room for excuses here.

Ingredients – Other ingredients buy whatever you can get round your bit. (Little gem is optional before you have a freak out – anything green that will keep you alive will do)

Potatoes lots
Chicken 1
Green beans
Baby gems
Wine
Chicken gravy granules /
Chicken stock

Oven on to 180-200

Step 2 – Boil potatoes in cold water till they slip off a knife, (sharp knife) drain and bash about in the colander till edges are fluffy (like your neck beard)

Step 3 – Put some butter in an roasting tray and heat in oven till melted. Potatoes in and flip them over till all coated in butter. In oven (top)

Step 4 – Chicken out, washed in cold water and butter that little guy all over. Rub into skin (cold but soft butter by the way). Salt and pepper over him and lemon in half and up the butt. (Zesty) In oven (middle)

1hour 10 mins ish later….

Step 5 – Chop little gem, and top and tail green beans (that means cut off the tops and bottoms). Little saucepan of chicken stock on the hob and add veg. Cook 5 mins.

Step 6 – Chicken out and lift out of tray and set aside to rest. Put the chicken tray on stove top and heat on. (Tray needs to be metal really or explodes-vile)

Step 7 – Scrape all the bits off the bottom and mix into the sauce, add a slosh of white wine. Bubble. Add some boiling water and some chicken gravy granules (shhhh don’t tell Cynthia)

Step 8 – Carve chicken, cut off wings and legs with sharp knife and then carve breast meat – potatoes out, greens served out of stock with slotted spoon and gravy poured.

Glass of white wine (Riesling today..)

Eat it.

Chicken & Rice Soup

When you are finished – pick off all the remaining meat off the bones. I know it is gross, don’t moan just do it. It’s a massive waste if you don’t. Poor little feathery guy it’s the least you could do not to waste him. Do it now while still warm is better I think. Be ruthless. You can eat basically everything, some looks a bit gross but when it’s in soup you won’t know any different. (Remember there is meat underneath the body) set all the meat aside.

Chuck away any blatantly excess skin (or eat it but weight watchers wont thank you) actually anything that doesn’t really look like a bone chuck out.

Put in a pot cover with cold water and throw in an onion cut into big chunks (skin on) some pepper. Boil the shit out of it till there is half the liquid there. Then get a bowl and drain all the liquid out into the bowl. Squish the bones and crap with a masher to get out all the flavour (over the bowl obvs). Chuck out all the bones now, they are so over.

Pour liquid back into pot add one diced onion and two handfuls of short grain rice. Cook for about 15 mins. Add any leftover gravy . Taste. If not ‘chickeny’ enough crumble in an oxo chicken cube (again, don’t tell Cynthia).

Roast. Chicken. Soup.

Man up and cook it.

 

Eat.